I once had a conversation with a friend in which I shared an anecdote about a former job. At that job, we had daily morning meetings, which I casually referred to as our morning powwow. My friend stopped me immediately.
“I love you,” she said, “but you cannot say powwow again.”*
At first, I was taken aback. I honestly hadn’t realized there was anything wrong referring to a meeting as a powwow. It’s a term often used in the business world, and one that most people don’t think twice about. But I recognized immediately that my friend was right, and I was grateful to her for pointing out my mistake.
This is an example — albeit a very basic one — of “calling someone in.” Most of us are probably familiar with the concept of “calling someone out” on problematic behavior. But the practice of calling someone in looks quite different, and can often be more effective.
What does “calling someone in” mean?
Calling someone in means calling attention to hurtful or problematic behavior in private. It’s a form of civil discourse, which aims to enhance understanding. It requires a gentle and compassionate approach, and it may involve investing some time and energy to help someone else understand why their behavior is harmful or oppressive.
These conversations can often be difficult and uncomfortable, but they can also be very effective. People are often more likely to receive feedback if it’s delivered in a non-judgemental and compassionate way.
In many situations, calling someone in can complicated. If a harmful comment is made in a group conversation, in the workplace, or in a public space such as social media, calling someone in may require a separate conversation with the person at a later time. This may mean scheduling a meeting or a lunch date, or sending the person a private message. Of course, the manner in which you approach the situation will depend on the exact circumstances as well as your relationship with that person.
Calling someone in vs. calling someone out
Calling someone out, on the other hand, involves calling attention to their harmful behavior in a public space.
There are situations in which calling someone out is appropriate. For example, if someone’s actions put someone else in danger, calling attention to their behavior publicly may be necessary.
Often, however, a more gentle approach is required. A lot of problematic behavior isn’t conscious. Many of us are in the process of gaining a better understanding of our own privilege and unlearning the oppressive behaviors that we grew up with.
While the idea of calling someone in is nothing new, the practice has gained more attention in the past few years, as many people have found calling someone out publicly to be ineffective or often simply a form of performative allyship.
How to call someone in
If you notice problematic behavior and feel led to calling someone in, here’s how to approach the situation in a constructive and compassionate way.
1. If possible, have the conversation in person
This may be difficult when many of us are still social distancing and working from home, but having difficult conversations in person always tends to be more effective. It’s so easy to misinterpret something in a text or an email. If having the conversation in person isn’t an option, try to do it over the phone. Ask the person if you can schedule a time to talk about something important, but try to avoid using language that may make them feel defensive.
2. Focus on the behavior, not the person
Don’t make assumptions about someone’s motivations. It’s easy to say we should all be more mindful of our own behavior, and I’m not making excuses for deliberately insensitive language, but someone may be saying something harmful without even realizing it. They may be using language that is common in their social location — their social position as influenced by factors such as gender, race, socioeconomic status, religion, age, sexual orientation, etc. For example, someone who is straight and cisgender and grew up in a rurual community may find it hard to adjust to the use of more gender-neutral language.
Don’t attack the other person and accuse them of being racist or homophobic. Rather, call attention to the specific language they are using and explain why it’s problematic. Chances are, they aren’t even aware of it. People are often willing to change their behavior if they understand that it has had unintended effects, but they will likely get defensive if they feel like you are attacking their character.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Maya Angelou
3. Use a gentle approach
My friend wisely prefaced her criticism with “I love you,” so that I wouldn’t feel chastised. Obviously, this isn’t appropriate for every conversation, but there are other ways you could soften the blow of a call-in moment. For example:
- “You may not realize that …”
- “I’m sure you didn’t mean to offend anyone by saying…”
4. Expect differences in understanding
Expect these sorts of conversations to be awkward and uncomfortable. No matter how clearly you try to explain your position, someone else’s understanding will always be influenced by their own experiences.
In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz explains that we all live in a slightly different world, because we are all shaped by our upbringing, the beliefs we absorbed from our families of origin, our cultural influences, and our own past traumas. It’s important to not make assumptions about another person, and to try to meet others at their own level of understanding. Give the other person the opportunity to repeat what you have said in their own words.
5. Give them time and space
It’s impossible to know how someone will react to being called in. Even if you are careful to do everything right, the other person could still get defensive or shut down. If this happens, don’t force the issue. Give them time and space to process what you have said. They may need more time to reflect before they are comfortable discussing it. Or they may be more comfortable seeking support from someone else. Offer to follow up with them at a later time or to provide resources that can help increase their understanding of the situation.
Questions to ask yourself before calling someone in
Before attempting to have this sort of conversation — especially if this sort of work is new to you — take a moment to ask yourself a few important questions.
- Why do you want to have this conversation? Why is it important to you?
- What is your relationship with the other person? Are they likely to listen to you?
- Who has the power in this situation? If you have the power, such as with a direct report at work, it’s a good opportunity to call someone in. But your boss? Probably not, unless you have a very good relationship.
- Are you the right person to broach the subject? If not, is there someone you trust who can ask for support?
- What are you hoping to accomplish with the conversation?
- Is the person likely to change their behavior?
- How much energy are you able to put into the situation? Are you comfortable providing additional resources or continuing to help the other person further their understanding?
- Are you personally feeling triggered or traumatized by their comments? If so, it may be better to enlist the help of someone else to have the conversation on your behalf.
When you’re the one being called in
It never feels good to be criticized, but if you’re on the receiving end of a call-in moment, try to set aside any defensiveness. Consider where the other person is coming from, and thank them for bringing the matter to your attention.
Even if the issue seems minor at first, try to be open to the idea that they are bringing it to your attention for a reason. Use the opportunity to open up a dialogue. Chances are, the other person has some knowledge on the subject you could benefit from.
If you’re repeating language that you grew up hearing or that is common in your own social location, consider how that language may sound to someone of a different race, gender identity, or cultural background.
Take it further by doing your own research. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own growth and for unlearning the lessons we absorbed from harmful systems such as institutional racism. Make an effort to read anti-racist books and follow social justice activists on social media. You can also sign up for our weekly newsletter, which contains our latest blog along with curated news articles highlighting important social justice issues.
*Misuse of the word powwow is just one example of how Native American culture is often appropriated. A powwow is an important celebration that involves months of planning.
